Golf is a difficult game to play and it’s made even tougher when you run into one of these guys:
1. Temper Tantrum Guy
Uh oh, not another snowman for this guy. You know he’s going to gun the golf cart and screech up to the next tee. Thoroughly pissed off, he speeds up his swing to DeChambeau numbers and hits his tee shot 50 yards right into a swamp. You guessed what’s coming next. He throws his driver a hundred yards down the fairway. (His best shot of the day). When he finally makes it to the green, it doesn’t get any better. He misses a 3 footer by racing it by the hole and then blocks the 4 foot comeback putt. He promptly hammers his putter into the green, leaves a gaping divot and heads off to the golf cart. Temper Tantrum Guy always threatens to quit and toss his bag full of clubs into the lake. Sadly, he never does and never will.
2. Bitter Assistant Pro Guy
Typically, it’s a washed up junior golfer who had some good rounds on the AJGA, played college golf and never won more than a few hundred bucks on the mini-tours. He’s angry his pro golf career didn’t pan out and you, Mr. Customer Golfer, are going to receive a great big dose of his bitterness. He hates you for playing golf while he’s stuck behind the counter ringing up greens fees and folding golf shirts. Never accept an invitation to play with this guy. He’ll shoot -5 under and spend the entire round telling you how he missed the Korn Ferry Q-School Finals by two shots. After his stellar round, he’s back at the pro shop the next day folding TravisMathew shirts.
3. Prepping For the Champions Tour Guy
If you see a guy in his late 40s and he’s got game, please don’t encourage him by saying: “Hey, you ought to make a run at the Champions Tour.” Champions Tour Guy just can’t seem to enjoy a round of golf because he knows the clock is ticking and he’s grinding so hard. He dreams of taking down Langer, Couples and Lehman one day. Right now, giving beatdowns to 12-handicappers will do just fine till he makes it on Tour.
4. Always Late For Tee Time Guy
This is the guy that texts or calls and says he’s only a few minutes away and then shows up 30 minutes late. He’s never at the first tee on time… never. Even when you tell him the tee time is 15 minutes earlier than scheduled, he still manages to be late. Even worse, you’ve paid his greens fees and he somehow never has any cash to settle up and claims he’s never heard of Venmo.
5. Party Guy
Instead of heading to the bowling alley to knock down some pins and brewskis, this guy loves to play golf and ride around in his cart drunk. Early morning tee time? Noooooo problem. This loveable lug usually hits the Bloody Marys and Screwdrivers first (for breakfast), because he typically has a rule of “no beers till after 11:00 a.m”. Then, it’s a hops and barley fest to the 18th hole. Mr. Party Guy can’t recall what he shot for the round, but he knows exactly how many drinks and beers he consumed. The saddest part of the saga is he stumbles out of the golf cart only to get into his car and drive home— a DUI just waiting to happen.
6. Masters Logo Guy
His outfit screams, “I went to the Masters and you losers can’t even get tickets to the practice rounds.” He’s got the obligatory matching hat and shirt with the simple but very identifiable logo, and, of course, the golf towel, divot repair tool and other accessories. The real serious Masters Logo Guy has saved the wrapper from his pimento cheese sandwich which he had while roaming the grounds of the Augusta National Golf Club.
7. Mulligan Guy
You’ve seen him in all his glory at the charity pro-am. No, this charitable chum can’t just lay down a $20 bill and buy a couple of Mullies a side. He’s throwing down some serious coin to buy multiple Mulligans so he and his buddies can take extra whacks to erase errant tee shots, shanked seven irons and duffed pitches. Better still, after all the do-overs, his group walks away with the first place trophy and Mulligan Guy is the celebrated hero.
8. Gambler Guy
He can’t play without a little on the side and loves wagering on the links more than Philly Mick or MJ. Gambler Guy knows seemingly every way in the world to wager on the golf course. Nassau, Skins Game, Round Robin, Bingo Bango Bongo….and he wants to play it. If you reject any of these offers, he still wants to bet you. How about a tenski on whether you hit the fairway? or Maybe 20 bones on hitting a six-footer for birdie. This guy will wager on anything.
9. Scorecard Guy
He has to write it all down–the good, bad and ugly. He loves to scratch down a snowman for you when you start circling the drain. No matter how bad you’re crashing and burning, he absolutely, positively must know what score you made on a hole. He also gets great joy in leaving the scorecard in the cart (with all of your doubles and triples), so the attendants at the clubhouse can laugh their asses off while they clean your clubs.
10. Ball Hunting Guy
When this guy sees a hole with lots of lateral hazards and forested OB, he gets really excited. His rationale: “Geez, it’s like hunting for Easter eggs. I can’t believe how many Pro V’s I’m going to find.” Forget the scorecard, this frugal linkster judges his round by how many premium golf balls he finds and stuffs in his bag during a round. Next stop for this budding entrepreneur is Craigslist where his “Like New golf balls” ad will bring in the big bucks.
